10 Things To Make Dublin Millennials Great Again – Tongue firmly in cheek Tony gives some friendly tips to this generation
We Millenials are one of the most maligned generations today. We are seen as selfish, lazy and culturally ambivalent. Granted we are better than the Boomers who basically gave us lead paint and Fianna Fail. And Gen X’rs gave us nothing of note except stupid Nirvana t-shirts and Divorce.
But it is true that we Millennials, especially in a real city like Dublin can also be a pain in the arse. But have no fear, dear readers, I have 10 rules to make Dublin Millennials great again.
- People over the age of 20 who use skateboards as a legitimate form of day to day transport should be jailed for life.
Get a bike like a proper human being. Skateboarding on a footpath like a villain in a 1990s Jackie Chan film doesn’t make you avant garde, it makes you a pain in the arse.
- People who intentionally spell their names like eejits should have their names taken off them and be given numbers until they stop being dopes.
If your name is, for example “Mark”, it should NEVER be spelled “Marc” or, God forbid, “Marq”. Same goes for “LeighAnne”, “Konner” or “Alizabeth”. Such offenders should only be given numbers and only referred to by those numbers until they cop on.
- No more stupid haircuts for men.
All mens haircuts should be based on a short back and sides. No weird fringes. The only acceptable hair products for men are Brylcreem or gel. Barbers who charge over 10 euro for haircuts should be considered subversives. A proper haircut should never exceed a tenner. FACT.
- No more following obscure football teams.
You’re from Dublin, outside of the League of Ireland, the only acceptable football teams to follow are Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal and MAYBE Chelsea. You should be eternally suspicious of people who follow teams outside of that quartet. Now, I may not be a scientist, but I would argue that people from Dublin who follow, say Preston North End, are probably serial killers, who follow such turbulent teams so as to take their minds of their insatiable urge to kill.
- Recognise that when someone says ” I am a Vegan”, they are giving you the perfect excuse not to like them .
Some animals like cows LITERALLY exist to be eaten and exploited. Indeed if they weren’t eaten, they’d be wiped out because humans would have no incentive to protect them from real animals. These vegans are nothing but bored middle class white kids desperately seeking something to complain about. Bourgeois buffoonery has no place in Dublin.
- All “Gender Neutral” bathrooms should be banned…..but not for the reason you think.
Toilets are LITERALLY shitholes, no matter how often a men’s public toilet is cleaned. It’s dirty. Now by allowing both genders to use the same public toilets you increase the germ pool by 50% (SCIENCE). If we allow such lax hygiene standards, we are sleepwalking into a Dustin Hoffman in a hazmat suit territory.
- Bring back cubicles in offices.
Many millenials will remember how the impersonal, dull office cubicle was portrayed in the late 1990s and early 2000s with films like Office Space and cartoons like Dilbert. It was portrayed as a Pink Floyd-esque dystopian hellscape. And now we are all supposed to love “open office” and “shared workspaces” as bastions of enlightened management. But in reality such concepts only developed because some bollix didn’t want to pay for partitioning. In reality, these open office scams are a cacophony of keyboard clicking, gum chewing, heavy breathing distractions, where you have to pretend to care about the strangers you work with. I don’t give a shit what Laura is having for lunch or her ugly kid, who is probably a thick too, but she thinks is the next Einstein because he spelled his name with a crayola………Sorry
- Rigourous enforcement of public transport by-laws is essential.
The organisation required to make a bus system work in a large city like Dublin is remarkable. It truly is. At times we millennials take that for granted. That’s why so many of us simply ignore basic RULES! Such as not eating on a bus, or not blaring music through earphones. When I get on a bus, I don’t want it to smell like the inside of an industrial kitchen in Bangalore nor do I want to listen to your entire Foo Fighters album through the medium of your tinny knock-off Iphone earphones. Offenders should be immediately thrown off the bus….while it is still moving.
- Stop doing oulwan drugs like Xanax and Valium.
You see all these millennial rappers and singers in interviews drooling and slurring in interviews talking about doing “bars” and calling themselves names like “Lil Xan”. Inevitably such influence spills over into the wider culture. Obviously, I’m not advising millennials to do drugs, that would be wildly irresponsible……..But IF you are going to do drugs, do cool ones and not ones prescribed to your Auntie to help her “with her nerves”.
- Finally stop saying “Cool. Guys” and go back to saying “Deadly, lads”
While we are at it:
It’s not a “Movie” it’s a “Film”
It’s not an “Ass” it’s an “Arse”
He’s not a “Ledge” he’s a “Mad Bastard”
